


10 Foolproof Ways To Make Your Human LOVE You

by samalander



Category: humans are space orcs - Fandom
Genre: Clickbait, Comedy, Gen, Parody, Yuletide Treat, epistle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:20:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21922873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samalander/pseuds/samalander
Summary: As translated by Jen’ny Smit-4, a listicle advising Creyy’llr crews on how to relate to their Humans.
Comments: 48
Kudos: 266
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	10 Foolproof Ways To Make Your Human LOVE You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [azvin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/azvin/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, azvin! I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> Special thanks to Arch for the beta, and to Snows who knows what she did.

**On the Inclusion and Integration of Humans into a Crew: Best Practices for Working in a MultiSpecies Environment**

a translation of a Buzzfeed3564 article "10 Foolproof Ways To Make Your Human LOVE You" by Jen'ny Smyt-4 of the Starship Treyyy'mr

These days, more and more ships are choosing to integrate Humans into the crew. Humans bring a lot to the table - they have a solid work ethic, are generally sturdy in most situations, and they perform excellent party tricks at all-crew gatherings.

That being said, there are a few torpedoes that any Creyy'llr needs to avoid when dealing with Humans. Remember, above all, they are not _fundamentally_ like us, and have to be carefully handled and regarded.

    1. **Know how to greet them**

Depending on their origin, Humans have a multitude of greeting rituals. Some offer an appendage to engage with yours as a sign that they have no weapons concealed with which to harm you. Others prefer bending at the waist to show deference and offer you their exposed neck as a show of trust. Still others will grab you and press their food orifice to your cranium. And there are others, far too many to list here because Human society is as many and varied as its people! All of these may seem strange at first, but most Humans have been trained not to do them to Creyy'llr without permission to enter the personal zone. If they do cross that boundary, see your ship's captain or cultural liaison for help explaining to the Human why you are uncomfortable with their gesture.

If you want to make a Human feel more welcome on your ship, you can inquire into their greeting ritual. They may teach you a "high five" in which you impact the end of your forelimb onto theirs-- this is a relatively impersonal greeting that can satisfy both the Human need to acknowledgement and the Creyy'llr need for space. You can also offer to teach them the Howl of Acknowledgement, but remember that Humans have only one larynx, so do not expect them to hit all the tones. However, it's cute to watch them try, and they get great pleasure out of your praise.

    2. **Embrace Discomfort**

At the end of the day, Humans are not Creyy'llr, and that's okay. But there are a few things they do that will make you uncomfortable. For example, they prefer an ambient temperature close to 293.15 Kelvin, as opposed to our 370K. They prefer an ambient humidity of around 50% to keep the single celled organisms that they host on their skin in check.

Most ships allow Humans to operate in either a sealed area, or in isolation suits, so their comfort can be assured. However, that is no reason to avoid them. Consider investing in your own isolation suit (or asking the captain to subsidize a set for the crew) so that you can enter the Human area for a visit. You may be cold and uncomfortably wet, but it will be worth it to see what your new friends live like!

    3. **Be willing to learn**

Humans have much to teach, and they love to do it. Get a Human talking about their interests and you'll be lucky if they shut up before you have to molt! Human interests can range from what we might consider esoteric (the preparation and consumption of nutrients is a big one, for some reason) to things that we would consider private. If you befriend a Human, expect to learn much about their offspring! In fact, it is good Human Etiquette to inquire about their familial group's health if you have not seen them for a cycle or more.

Humans will tell you that they are "natural teachers" -- all of them. Unlike Creyy'llr, they see this as a universal pursuit, and one that they are proud of. One of the best ways to gain a Human's trust is to ask them to explain a concept to you -- even if you understand it. Before you know it, they will be expounding on something called "The Backstreet Boys" and performing intricate mating dances for your amusement.

    4. **Discover Gender**

When we first met Humans, we assumed they would have the ability to procreate through parthenogenesis, like Creyy'llr. It turns out Humans require at least two of them to create an offspring. There are many and varied sets of genitals that they use for this. They have created an extensive library of documentaries to show some of the techniques, called "The Pornography". Some claim the development of this library was the entire reason they invented networked computers.

The anatomical differences in genitals often corresponds to gender, but sometimes they do not. It is not always safe to assume that you know a Human gender on sight. Especially in the juveniles, the differences can be slight and confusing.

Different genders in Humans use different pronouns. Where as the Creyy'llr almost universally use the singular "we", Humans may be a he, a she, a they, a xe, or many other options. It is okay to ask a Human their preferred pronouns-- in fact, it is considered polite in most circles. It is most important that, once a pronoun has been given, you continue to use it for that Human. Failure to do so will almost always weaken the affectionate bond between you and your Human.

    5. **Meal Etiquette**

As Humans do not photosynthesize and cannot metabolize cobaltominite, they tend to consume plants and animal flesh. Though some abstain from one group or the other, do not worry; they will self identify very early. Usually their plants and animal flesh have been treated with various minerals or other, more fragrant plants, and have had heat applied. Humans call this "food" and while much of it will not be dangerous to consume, you may find it distasteful. Consult with your medical professional before consuming Human foods.

Humans prefer, for the most part, to consume their nutrition in social groups. They use the time as a bonding activity-- one or more will often prepare an elaborate array of dishes for the others as a show of fellowship. This is important bonding time for your Humans. You may be invited to join, which you should accept.

The main consumption is often followed by a smaller consumption of sucrose, called "dessert". Humans tend to justify the consumption of dessert by ritually chanting certain mantras like "I've been good", "Just a bite", or "Why not, I'm going to the gym later." There is no discernible way to tell what the correct phrasing is, as Humans themselves will vary it from one sucrose consumption to another. It is safe to echo the phrase your Human chooses, even if you are not in need of the energy or have no intention of partaking.

Humans require around 2000 kCal of energy a day, and must consume dihydrogen monoxide at regular intervals to maintain equilibrium. If something is wrong with your Human, and they are speaking in short, clipped sentences, raising their voice, seem to be confused or disoriented, they may be experiencing a condition known as being "hangry". Feed and water your Human to alleviate these symptoms.

    6. **Learn Body Language**

Humans do not express their wants and needs through straightforward scent marking like Creyy'llr do. They instead employ a technique they call "body language" which it is important to at least try to understand.

When in agreement with a statement, Humans may bob their heads rhythmically. When happy, Humans bare their teeth. If a Human is listening to you, they will keep their sight orbs open and fix their gaze on you. None of this is meant to signal attack or threaten. Humans respond to "mirroring" - that is, if a being copies their gestures, it builds trust within the Human pack. Try baring your baleen plates in solidarity next time a Human bares their teeth at you. They will respond positively!

    7. **Observe Base-12 Time**

Humans come from a planet with a rotational period of 86,400 seconds of mean solar time. They divide this time into 24 periods called "hours" which are each made of 60 units called "minutes". Each minute is 60 seconds. Humans find metric time to be deeply confusing. They may wear a chronometer on their wrist to keep track of the hours on their home planet, despite the issues caused by light- and near light-speed travel. They will ritually reset their chronometer for each planet they visit. For a bonding activity, ask them to explain the wrist machine to you. Often it has a familial history, and they will tell you it in detail.

Humans require about 3 metric hours of quiet time in a dark room in a day to recharge their faculties, which leaves them with 7 productive hours. However, they prefer to spend half of that in social activities, and will generally resent working more than 4 hours a day for a prolonged period.

Some Humans will arrive after a starting time of an event, with explanations about their private preparations and how they misjudged the amount of time they would take. Others arrive in advance of the start time and pass judgement on those who arrive after.

Both types are absolutely convinced the other type is, as they say, "the worst."

Humans will also occasionally ask for a cycle or more of work cessation for an important cultural observance such as a celebration of the winter solstice, a memorial to their Unification Day, or some kind of blood sport event called "Superbowl Sunday." Ask or accept an invitation to join in on the last one at your own peril, as you will be ritually told how the commercials are the best part by each attendee, with no explanation of what a commercial is.

    8. **Enjoy Entertainment**

If you place your Human alone in a room with an object, they will almost all start inventing games and tasks to perform with the object. Stacking things is something Human infants especially seem to enjoy. Without these activities, Humans complain they are "bored" and may become destructive or bothersome. There are stories told about early crews failing to provide enrichment for the Human and finding that it had disassembled important ship systems in the rest cycle "to see if I could". Always enrich your Human!

However, Humans have created an incredible amount of objects and activities to help them enjoy their time off, rather than resting in their rejuvenation pods. Some of these include striking objects in specific ways to perform noises called "music" (which, when coupled with dancing and costumes becomes something called "musical theatre" that is unique to Humans. If your Human is seen to perform musical theatre and offers to perform something called Hamilton for you, you simply have to see it.)

Humans will also exercise their muscles in specific ways to entertain themselves by working within self-imposed rules. They will read books about events that did not happen (called "fiction") in order to vividly imagine a scenario.

Human entertainment is unique, but if you engage one of their favorite form, they will gladly involve you on it until you beg for mercy.

    9. **Be Aware of the Danger They Present**

Humans may or may not recognize danger for what it is, but they will almost always sacrifice themselves for the good of others. They have entire professions dedicated to this suicidal impulse, such as a Fire Man.

Humans are not well armored, keeping almost all of their important organs in the torso. If your Human goes rogue, a shot to the center of mass will usually put it down.

Be careful of the Human bite-- while not venomous, Human teeth are designed for tearing meat and their mouths are notably filthy. Even if you survive a bite, you will likely get a bacterial infestation from the content of their orifices. Human bites should be treated and cleaned immediately if they occur.

A Human is your best friend if you are in trouble, and your worst trouble if you are not their friend.

    10. **Encourage Uniqueness**

Humans have not developed any kind of integrated hive mind, despite a professed desire to "read minds" from many of them. Thus, they cling to the illusion of individuality. They will gladly tell any Creyy'llr who will listen that they are not like anyone else we have ever met.

The truth is that Humans do have quirks, and many of them are specific to the individual. They may expel liquid from their olfactory orifice when they look at bright light, or have a pronounced phobia or arachnids. No matter how many other Humans you have met with these tics or quirks, it is important to validate their feelings of importance. A Human who does not believe that there is only one of them in the galaxy may become depressed or distraught, damaging your pack bond. All things that Humans say should be treated as deeply interesting, even if it's the sixth time they've told you about their Aunt Ruth and her fudge recipe.

In truth, most Humans are different from each other-- you will find very few with identical genetic makeups. And they treasure and celebrate those differences. So, it seems, should we. Every Human has a strength that you do not, and though they are small and have only two arms and a strangely designed pelvis for a biped, they are valuable beyond the words we include here.




A Human is a valuable asset, to be sure. They will always fight for and protect their crew, if sufficiently bonded. They will invent things to keep you engaged and entertained, and make your trip through the stars more pleasant.

Cherish your Human, for they almost certainly cherish you.

**READ MORE LIKE THIS:**  
15 Things You Forgot Were In "Everybody Hates Rtty'mng"  
QUIZ: Which Human News Article Are You Most Similar To?  
The 71 Best Tweets from This QuadCycle Period -- Number Three Will Cause Your Central Nervous System to Malfuncton!


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